On Being Self-ish
Robin Gray King MSW, LGSW Therapist
On my bio page for The Family Development Center, the first thing you see is a translation of a poem by Rumi, “The Guest House”. It describes our journey as humans as a dwelling where guests, invited and not, take up space and ask us to welcome and love them, to be curious about their presence, and to practice radical welcome and self-ishness.
Selfish is a word often heard rolling off someone’s lips with a tone of disdain. It embodies the core of many of the inequities and marginalizations in our world. And, having internalized this understanding, in attempting to avoid this label, we neglect to engage in self-knowledge, self-discipline, self-care, self-compassion, and self-love.
Developmental scientists, invested in understanding our tiniest humans as they grow to be us, describe learning pathways through nurturing and learning safe and secure models for growth, strength, and wisdom from our earliest experiences with others. In those times, we develop our sense of knowing and trust, in ourselves, others, and ourselves alongside others.
The steps to self-identity from ages 11-18+ (Yep, still at it every day!) are monumental and align deeply with having everything we need from those who love us to begin to step away. We are invited to become selfish, dig into ourselves, align with core values (which may indeed differ from those who love us), and develop a rich and diverse emotional vocabulary to let others know just what we need, setting boundaries.
Boundaries - what we need from others to keep them in our lives not out, protecting our peace not pushing others away- the distance at which we can fully love others and ourselves at the same time. An essential tool for being self-ish. When we deeply connect to our values and embrace all of the parts of ourselves that nourish our living, loving, and growing, in all of the unique and quirky ways that are “just us” we can set boundaries for how others enter our guest house, welcomed, and with positive regard for our selfish-ness. This may be the key to existing with ourselves and our guests with the love and honor deserved by each.
A book on boundaries that I highly regard: Nedra Glover Tawab: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself